If you keep track of my Twitter feed at all, you know that I watch the Bachelor every week, and proceed to live-tweet it every time, because it’s all so ridiculous.[i] A little background information – my two best friends in North Carolina, J1 and J2, got me into watching it after I dropped out of graduate school, but hadn’t moved back home yet.[ii] It didn’t take long for me to get sucked into the drama, especially that first season.[iii] And, I’ve been watching ever since. Which means that I watched both Emily’s season, where Sean was sent home after being in the top three, and then Sean’s season, where he chose Catherine.
Before I get to the recap of the completely ridiculous wedding ceremony episode, I have to make a little disclaimer. I did not think that Sean was going to choose Catherine. I really didn’t. Catherine was such a dark horse during the season. She completely slipped through the cracks of my memory until Sean sent Desiree home, leaving Catherine, Lindsay, and crazy AshLee in the top three. It was at that point where I was thinking Holy crap, Sean might pick Catherine. Seriously? But, despite my opinions, they seem really happy, and Sean seems to like how awkward she is. Personally, I think she’s often cringe-worthy. But again, that might just be me. Anyway. On to the wedding extravaganza.
The wedding was advertised as being live, which technically, it was. But the wedding special that they showed on TV was interjected with clips that were shot throughout the year. And man, did they drag it out. It lasted forever. I’ll just hit the highlights.
We start out watching Sean and Catherine make a road trip from Southern California to Dallas, where Sean lives.[iv] Catherine talks about the things they have to do to in order to plan their wedding, and introduces us to the term “grown sexy.” Which, what the heck does that mean? Is there an “immature sexy?” One of the many things about Catherine that bothers me, but whatever cranks Sean’s tractor, I suppose.[v] He has no idea how much work goes into a wedding, Catherine gets annoyed with him, and H and I sigh because there’s no way they planned their own wedding.
After that, we see Sean help Catherine move into his friend’s house, because they chose not to live together before they were married.[vi] Catherine has a really awkward conversation with their wedding planner about “grown sexy,” which turns into “I can’t wait to have sex with Sean.”[vii] Sean picks out some lingerie for Catherine,[viii] and Catherine tries to explain “grown sexy” to a bunch more people. Blah blah blah. They talk a lot, which is good, but boring for us as viewers. Catherine is going to surprise Sean with boudoir pictures of herself in the lingerie he picked out, which no. No no no. Thank you, but no. You’re focusing way too much on the sex, guys!
After nearly an hour and a half, the wedding ceremony finally begins. Catherine has twelve bridesmaids, and Sean has nine groomsmen.[ix] So, needless to say, it takes another fifteen minutes for everyone to walk down the aisle.[x] The wedding ceremony (officiated by Sean’s dad, who is a bright spot during this whole ordeal) is pretty sweet, actually, aside from Catherine’s weird and childish vows. Sean holds his tears in until they are walking back down the aisle, then the floodgates open up. They are so happy to finally be married that they want to skip the reception! Go figure. I assume they don’t skip it, but the wedding special ends soon after.
Chris Harrison talks to some of the other Bachelor alums in the short time between the end of the ceremony and the end of the show, which is completely unnecessary. Then we’re done. They’re married. They are Sean and Catherine Lowe. Yay for Bachelor love!
I have three final comments about the wedding special as a whole.
- HONEYMOON SUITE CAM. Yes, this was a thing that they showed right at the beginning of the show. Like, what?? Seriously? No, ABC. Catherine is awkward enough with her clothes on. I don’t want to know anything else.
- WE GET IT. YOU WAITED TO HAVE SEX. Stop beating us over the head with it.[xi]
- LESLEY MURPHY WAS A BRIDESMAID!!! She was one of my favorites on Sean’s season, and he sent her home after the top six, I think. She had some great one-liners. I wish she would have been interviewed. I wanted to hear her take on the baby pink dress she was forced to wear.
And that, my friends, is the end of Sean and Catherine’s fifteen minutes of fame. Hopefully.
[i] I also want to point out that I purposely chose to watch the wedding over the Grammy’s, so I apologize if you’d rather I’d recapped that. But I don’t like the Grammy’s. The acts are always weird combinations of musicians, and I’m always disappointed in who the awards go to. So I chose not to watch this year.
[ii] Yes, I was in graduate school once before, planning on getting my PhD in Physiology and Pharmacology and doing research for the rest of my life. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t what I wanted for my life, and I left after only one semester. I was lucky enough to make some lifelong friends during the six months that I lived there, however. And I get to see them in less than two weeks!
[iii] It was Ben’s season, when he ended up picking Courtney. Ugh, Courtney.
[iv] This part didn’t make sense to me. I thought Catherine was from Seattle?
[v] This is my favorite phrase of all time. Whatever cranks your tractor. Thank you, southern friend, for introducing me to that one.
[vi] I was wondering how they managed to save themselves for marriage. Question answered. There’s no way they could have if they had been living together. They’d just be roommates.
[vii] Well, duh. Look at him.
[viii] There’s the possibility that I was more embarrassed watching him in this scene than I’ve ever been in my life.
[ix] There are a couple things wrong here. First, why the hell would you need to put twelve people in your wedding?? And second, why on earth couldn’t you have worked harder to make the sides even??
[x] That may be a slight exaggeration, but I stand by it.
[xi] As a side note, why is it that people who decide to wait focus so much on that? And why are they so vocal about it all? These are things I don’t need to know about people.