25 Signs You’re Having a Quarter Life Crisis (from All Groan Up)

Since turning 25, I have definitely discovered that the Quarter Life Crisis is real.  It’s very real.  Mine, embarrassingly enough, has to do with thinking I’d already be married at this age.  Yeah, yeah.  I know.  I’m still young and all that.  But still!  When you have this plan in your head for most of your life, and it doesn’t happen, it’s hard to figure out what to do next.

So, in the spirit of embracing your Quarter Life Crisis, here are 25 signs that you’re having one.[i]

  1. You glare at your cat in the morning as you get ready for work and say, “God, I wish I had your life.”  Yes.  I don’t even have a cat, but come on?  They get to sleep all day and never have any responsibilities, because we humans clean up their poop.  Seriously.  Sounds nice, right?
  2. “Am I ever going to feel like myself again?” is something you ask.  Every day.  This is pretty much straight from one of those anti-depressant commercials, but it’s often true.  I have so much to do before I will feel like I have accomplished anything and can just “be” again.
  3. A Bon Iver or John Mayer song comes on and you start crying.  By yourself, or around friends.  Or in the middle of a coffee shop as strangers slowly usher their children away.  I have nothing to say about this one.  I hate John Mayer and don’t listen to Bon Iver.  That’s how I avoid crying, I guess.
  4. “When is life going to feel like it’s supposed to?” is something you ask.  Every day.  Another anti-depressant commercial.  See #2.
  5. You’re reading this article right now because you Googled “Quarter Life Crisis.”  Actually, I subscribe to All Groan Up, so I get the emails.  I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.
  6. Visualizing yourself 15 years from now doing your boss’ job makes you throw up a little in your mouth.  NOOOO ANYTHING BUT THAT.  I really hope my career change is in progress even a year from now, let alone fifteen years from now.
  7. You’re having arguments with your mom again about cleaning your bathroom and being home at a reasonable hour.  Ha.  No.  This one doesn’t apply to me either.
  8. Your monthly routine of expenses being greater than your income is dawning on you as a serious problem.  OH.  Oops.
  9. You’re having arguments with your newly cemented spouse and/or roommate that sound awfully like the arguments your parents used to have, that you swore you’d never have, yet are having.  I love H, but yes, every once and a while we argue about things that I wish we wouldn’t.  Ah well.  That just means we’re healthy, right?
  10. You’ve a) moved six times in the last four years, b) had six jobs in the last four years, c) had six boyfriends in the last four years, d) had six girlfriends in the last four years, e) had no boyfriends/girlfriends in the last six years and you’re scared your boyfriending or girlfriending is broken.  HAHAHAHA.  Until I met H, letters A, B, and E were all true.  Not it’s just A and B, but I’m really hoping to not move again until we buy a house, and to make my next job move a more permanent one.
  11. You’d pay top dollar for a moment of clarity.  A year ago, this was definitely true.  Now I feel like I’ve already had that moment of clarity and am actively working toward it.
  12. That young mom with the crazy hair and stains on her and bags under her eyes that kind of smells like rotten milk who you rolled your eyes at throughout college.  Yeah, well you roll your stroller into a coffee shop after waking up six times with your baby and see a college girl look you up and down with that same disgust.  And it takes everything within you not to walk over to that snooty college princess and punch her in the face.  While I haven’t had a kid yet, I know some people who would probably agree.  Amirite, FR?? 
  13. Your part-time, temporary job at Starbucks has lasted three and a half years.  Again, this one doesn’t apply, but I do feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome at my current job, and I’ve only been there a year and a half.
  14. You binge on buying brand names to try and cover up that you’re broke.  Well, sort of, but not the brand names you’re probably thinking of.  I binge on brand name running clothes that I probably don’t need.  Again… Oops.
  15. You find yourself repelled and compelled by church at the same time.  You ask God for help one day and then you’re yelling at him the next.  Your faith is a roller coaster and you’re pretty sure your seat belt is about to come undone.  This sounds about right.
  16. You see so clearly the two roads in front of you.  A life of comfort and a life of risk.  And you’re not sure you have the right car or directions to go down either one.  I’m not sure which path I’d rather travel down, but yeah, this is pretty spot on as well.
  17. You surf the internet so much at work every day that you literally hit a point where you don’t know what else to search for.  This has totally happened to me at work!  It’s always one of those moments when I think to myself “Oh, God, I need help.”  Just like Penny in that one episode of The Big Bang Theory.
  18. You laughed, and cried, when you read 21 Secrets for your 20’s.[ii]  Definitely laughed.  Not sure if I cried.  Stay tuned.
  19. Making a budget is completely debilitating.  Even thinking about doing your taxes.  Debilitating.  Buying groceries.  Debilitating.  Doing dishes.  Cooking dinner.  Looking for a job.  Calling your mom back.  Calling your best friend back.  Picking up the phone at all.  DEBILI-FRICKING-TATING.  So you watch four seasons in a row of [insert current Netflix obsession here], while Facebook stalking exes and enemies.  Right now, it’s Hart of Dixie.  And yes, things are debilitating most of the time.
  20. The phrase you dread hearing the most at work is “Congratulations, you’re getting a promotion.”  LORD, NOT THIS AGAIN.  No thanks, I’d rather get a different job than get promoted at my current one.
  21. You feel like every time you’re a bridesmaid/groomsman, an angel loses its wings.  Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy being a bridesmaid.  But… it’s getting a little old.  Recall that my personal Quarter Life Crisis has to do with not being married yet.
  22. You dream about going back and punching your Smug College Self who was so sure she had all the answers.  IN THE THROAT.
  23. You seek out a mentor for answers one week and you avoid them like the 8th grader with BO the next.  Ha.  Sort of.
  24. You have no idea where to go for answers.  Yeah, but the internet has a lot of these answers you speak of.
  25. AND you’re 99.7% sure a road-trip would fix everything.  TOTALLY LET’S GO ON A ROAD TRIP!!! 

Well, now you know.  I’m having a bit of a Quarter Life Crisis.  Anyone with me?

-A.


[i] I don’t deal with what to do if you are, indeed, having a Quarter Life Crisis.  Sorry.  I haven’t figured out how to deal with my own yet, so I’m hardly qualified to help anyone else.

[ii] I have apparently done these out of order, but here is the link to that article, which I will be talking about on July 25th.  So stay tuned!

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