Pretty Little Liars, “March of Crimes”

With this episode, I’m finally caught up again!  This is what happens with you decide to take ten graduate credits during the summer.  You end up SWAMPED, and then your blog gets put on the back burner.  But, alas, I’m back!  No more neglecting my (probably very few) readers!  Hooray!

So, if you read my last recap, you’ll remember that I was a bit displeased with both Comcast (but what else is new) and the writers of Pretty Little Liars.  The PLL writers seemed to be perpetuating victim blaming in rape culture, but they’ve completely and totally redeemed themselves.  Thank goodness.  I would have been so sad if I had to renounce my love of this show, because it’s so shameless at this point that it would be hard to go back on it, let’s be real.  Anyway!  I’m getting sidetracked.  This week’s episode covers a lot of ground, so let’s get started!

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Alison lied, and then all of the other Liars lied, and then they had to lie about lying so that no one would expose their lies.  And Aria killed a guy.  I think that about covers it!

So, the episode opens with Spencer and Emily giving Alison the third degree about having Noel break into the Marin house.  Alison is annoyed that they’re questioning her covering-of-the-tracks skills, and Spencer and Emily are annoyed that Alison continues to decide things that involve them without consulting them.  Hanna shows up to Alison continuing to defend her decision while Spencer holds a wet rag to her black eye… Yeah, guys, you should take first aid.  Water isn’t going to do anything.  And the bruise itself is the least of Spencer’s issues.  The bones surrounding the eye are some of the thinnest in the body.  That horse could have done serious damage!

After Alison’s phone rings and she ignores it, Spencer spills that she knows Alison has been sneaking out in the night to meet someone.  Which makes Alison even more pissy.  Honestly, she’s not the one who should be having trust issues.  Y’all know how I feel about Alison, so I’m on the other Liars’ sides on this one.

Spencer notes that Alison has gone rogue, and that she could have hired Noel to lock she and Emily in the stables AND to choke Alison.  Noel is apparently a very busy and well-travelled man.  Are high school students considered men?  Busy and well-travelled boy?  Young man?  Adolescent?  Anyway, Spencer is reaching, as Emily quickly points out while Hanna casually sips from her flask.  Nice, Hanna.  pll march of crimes 1

New favorite conversation:

Spencer:  Hanna.  Easy.

Hanna:  You know what, last time I checked, this was still my bedroom, until someone invaded it.  Even the doorknob smells like Alison.

Spencer:  Why were you smelling the doorknob?

Emily gets a text from her mom, so she heads home.  On her way, she comes across Noel just chilling in his car, listening to a tape of Alison on the phone with Shana while she was supposed to be kidnapped.  Well, that’s never good.  She runs into a trash can or something suspicious, and Noel drives away.  On a different note, that tape was super old-fashioned looking.  Where did Noel even get that?

The next morning, Hanna is looking for something under her bed.  Her carpet is stained – nice touch, set decorators.  Mrs. Marin comes in and asks if Hanna would like to meet her and Alison at the mall to shop before Ella and Zack’s party.  Hanna says she’s not going, something about homework, so we all know she’s lying.  Hanna doesn’t do homework!  For some reason, she won’t tell her mom about how creepy Zack is, which baffles me.  Then again, I would never think that my mom wouldn’t believe me if I said something like that, so there’s always that.  Then her flask comes rolling out of her backpack, and Mrs. Marin is all, “alcohol is not the answer, Hanna.”  Right.  Says the queen of red wine for dinner.  The only television character I know who drinks more red wine than Mrs. Marin is Olivia Pope.pll march of crimes 2

Anyway, Hanna can barely keep her mouth shut while Mrs. Marin goes on and on about understanding what they’ve been through now, blah blah blah.  Then Alison asks for Hanna’s moisturizer, Hanna ignores her, and Mrs. Marin offers up her own.  Wow.  Being Hanna sucks right now.

At school, Detective Grumpy Gills is questioning Aria… with her mother present!  Finally!  A cop who knows her stuff in Rosewood!  But she’s asking a lot of questions about Ezra… which is not good.  Aria, understandably, gets defensive, which is also not good.  Apparently, DGG wants to know if Ezra was a predator, or just statutory-raped one girl.  Aria assures her she was his only.  (Sidenote – do we know if Ezra and Alison ever slept together?  Because that potentially makes him a predator, after all…)

Not amused.
Not amused.

Spencer texts Emily, who is wondering about Noel’s status at school today.  Spencer has viewed him, so she confirms that he is indeed at school.  Then Alison walks up, all high and mighty and Alison-like, worried about one of the girls “caving.”  It’s pretty obvious that Spencer is over Alison, too.  Then Hanna basically stumbles into school, causing Alison to comment on how it would obviously be Hanna that cracked under the pressure.  Oy.

Emily is being interviewed by the swim coach for the assistant coach job.  OH MY GOSH I KNOW WHO A IS IT’S THE SWIM COACH BECAUSE IT’S THE SAME ACTOR WHO PLAYS A SECRET SERVICE AGENT ON SCANDAL IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.  Ahem.  Sorry about that.  Anyway… Emily passes the interview with flying colors, then sneaks back into the office to steal Noel’s locker combination out of the master binder.

Aria and her mom run into Noel in the hallway – man, he’s everywhere today.  Mrs. Montgomery scolds Aria for getting defensive with the detective, and Aria tells her to shove it.  Not really.  But basically.

Emily sneaks into the locker room and takes Noel’s car keys out of his gym locker.  She should have stolen his lunch money, while she was at it, sheesh.

Spencer shows up at Caleb’s cabin, and she scolds him for not cleaning, then about being a bad influence on Hanna.  Caleb thinks he knows best for Hanna, but when Spencer mentions Zack, Caleb is confused.  So he knows he’s missing a piece to the puzzle that is Hanna’s recent behavior.  I love Spencer’s final words:  “I’ve always thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to Hanna.  And it really hurts to watch you guys fight whatever is eating at you like this.  But you guys used to draw strength from each other, and now… I don’t get this.”  You tell him, Spencer.

Alison tries to bond with Hanna over how humiliating it is to take a freshman class.  Umm, duh, Alison.  You weren’t in school for two years.  Hanna is pissed at Alison for a lot of reasons.  And then Alison selfishly assumes that Hanna and Aria are fighting over her.  Ha!  What a b-word.  Then Jenna shows up, tap-tapping away with her cane.  They have an awkward conversation, and Jenna is pretty clear that she knows Alison is lying.  She says that Alison ruined her relationship with Shana all on her own, which doesn’t sit well with Alison.

Aria texts Ezra to warn him about Detective Grumpy Gills.  Hanna walks up, and Aria walks away.  Again… oy.  Spencer is at the eye-doctor, getting her eyes dilated (which sucks, by the way).  She starts being unable to focus on things close to her… but then she spots two Jennas.  At least, that’s what it looks like to her.  She freaks out and tries to take a picture, but misses them.

Emily breaks into Noel’s car and finds pictures of Alison from when she was kidnapped, and the tape that Noel was listening to.  Spencer calls Emily and tells her about the double Jennas.  Emily tells Spencer about what she found in Noel’s car.  They talk, and then Spencer notices an eye chart that says “can you see me now?  A.”  Yikes!

Aria arrives at her house to prepare for the party.  She is now suspicious of Zack, but she’s not sure if she can say anything.  She name-drops Hanna, and Zack seems mildly interested.

Emily shows up at the eye doctor, and then the two Jennas walk out.  Except Emily recognizes one of them to be Sydney.  SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN NOW!!  Spencer and Emily try to interrogate Sydney, but Jenna keeps butting in.  Sydney looks terrified.  Also, why are they dressed the same?


Hanna arrives at Caleb’s and immediately grabs a beer.  He’s cute and charming and asks Hanna about the party they are skipping.  Caleb points out that Hanna never skips out on food and dressing up.  She finally tells him about how skeevy Zack is, and she says that no one believed her.  But Caleb does, of course.  And he points out how wrong rape culture is!!  Yes!!  Go, Caleb!  He makes his mind up about something, and then goes out to get some food.  He’s the best boyfriend ever, I’m pretty sure.

Aria is getting ready for the party, and her dress is very Aria – black and white and lots of tulle.  Very rocker chick.  Aria questions her mom’s decision to marry Zack, and right away, Ella jumps to conclusions that happen to be correct.  She asks Aria if he was inappropriate with her, and suddenly, Aria feels terrible for her treatment of Hanna.  Because Hanna wasn’t lying.  There was an incident in Europe.  What a skeeze.

Caleb confronts Zack.  Zack shows Caleb a note that “Hanna” wrote, except Caleb knows better.  He punches Zack in the face!!  What?!  Love him, love him, love him.  Hanna is watching an old movie when Caleb gets back, and she is upset that he didn’t bring any food with him.  Hanna realizes that he hit Zack, and it looks like she’s going to fly off the handle.  Caleb shows her the note, Hanna tells him that she didn’t write it, and he says that he knows.  He really is the best.  He never doubts her.  They know it was A, at this point.  YIKES!

Emily is wearing this beautiful blue jumpsuit to the party, and talking on the phone with Spencer about hiding the stuff from Noel’s car.  Sydney shows up, and Emily is completely on the warpath.  Sydney tells this story about how she helped Jenna recover after Alison, and it doesn’t matter at all what she says, because Emily doesn’t believe her.  I love Emily here.  She says she’s going to keep an eye on Sydney for the rest of the time she’s in Rosewood.  Ow ow!  Love fierce Emily.

Spencer arrives at the lake house to hide the stuff from Noel’s car, and realizes someone is watching her!  Oh, it’s Noel.  He wants his insurance back, in case Alison turns on him.  Spencer stabs him in the hand with a fire poker and says she needs insurance, too.  Damn!  This episode is awesome!

Aria shows up at Caleb’s cabin to talk to Hanna.  She apologizes and tells Hanna how big of a skeeze Zack is.  Hanna fills Aria in about A’s involvement, and Aria says it doesn’t matter.  She then explains that she didn’t mean to call Hanna a liar, she was just trying to protect her mom.  It’s not right, but it’s an understandable response.  Hanna, always the bigger person, forgives Aria, and they hug it out.

Alison and Mrs. Marin discuss what happened with Ella and Zack’s wedding, and then the police call.  DGG is requesting Alison’s presence at the station, because they caught the guy?  Huh?  What guy?  Noel?  WHAT’S GOING ON??

Byron arrives home while Ella is packing up.  Awwww.  This is the cutest scene.  He tells her how much of a catch she is, and that Zack is stupid for not realizing it.  I’ve never liked Byron, but that’s perfect.  They also hug it out.

There’s a guy in custody that no one has ever seen before.  He has obviously been coached by Alison.  She’s a good actress here – she truly looks confused.  Mrs. Marin asks if this is the guy, and Alison doesn’t say anything.

And then there’s A at the eye doctor, listening to a conversation between Alison and the guy in custody.  Proof that he was coached.  OH BOY!!

Sorry if that was a little more brief that normal – I’m pretty tired today, since my training has started again.

Until next week,



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